A View From The Press Box

"It's a shame for Sen. Obama to claim he backs health care for all, when in fact his plan would not only leave 15 million Americans uninsured, but hundreds of millions of innocent dogs, cats, birds, fish, turtles and other non-human family members of our society as well," Clinton charged at a press conference today.

"The glaring lack of health insurance for the overwhelming majority of our pets is nothing less than a national disgrace," declared Clinton. "We cannot in good conscience allow this travesty to go on unaddressed any longer."

Clinton charged that under an Obama presidency, "this country will go to the dogs."

Clinton emphasized that under her scheme, all pet owners would be mandated to purchase coverage. Standard health insurers would be required to include veterinary care and prescription drug benefits for pets under family coverage.

Those owners who cannot afford the extra cost would be eligible for government subsidies, financed by a surtax on wealthy pet owners.

However, those who could afford coverage, but who fail to buy it, would be subject to arrest and have their pets handed over to Ellen DeGeneres, who appeared with Clinton to announce that as her campaign contribution, she has agreed to take care of every pet left uninsured under the Clinton plan.

"It's the least I can do to make up for my shameful behavior when I adopted a pet and irresponsibly turned it over to some child without authorization," said the popular TV host, between sobs. "If this can help put Hillary Clinton in the White House, then count me in."

Obama insisted that Clinton had once again distorted his position, contending that he, too, would include pets under his health care reform plan. However, unlike his opponent, he swore he would not mandate coverage. "We all love our pets, but having Big Brother mandate health coverage for them would spell doom for the Democratic Party in the fall elections," he predicted.

Instead, Obama said his plan would help cover the cost of premiums by allowing owners to list all pets as dependents on their federal income tax returns.

"Most people do this anyway, either in good faith, out of legitimate ignorance or in trying to game the system," he said. "Why not let these poor pet owners come out of the shadows and have Uncle Sam treat their non-human family members with the same dignity and tax status as all Americans?"

Obama supporter Oprah Winfrey also entered the fray, vowing on her own TV show to give away free pet health insurance to every studio audience member for as long as she is on the air. "I will do whatever it takes to make sure Barack Obama is elected president," she said. "I will not permit Sen. Clinton to demagogue her way to the White House on the backs of our innocent dogs and cats."

The Republican Party's nominee, Sen. John McCain, blasted both candidates for attempting to "socialize" pet health insurance, vowing to instead support a market-based solution by creating tax-deferred PMSAs--Pet Medical Savings Accounts--to help cover veterinary care and drug costs.

He also suggested that pet owners band together in a Risk Purchasing Group to make coverage more affordable--or to form an offshore captive, as he has done to finance his own pets' health care.

"Since I do not support government-mandated health insurance for my human constituents, it would not be prudent to do so for animals, who, after all, can't even vote," said the straight-talkin' McCain. "I love my doggie as much as the next guy, but creating yet another government entitlement program is not the answer."

However, McCain conceded he might make an exception and grant government-supplied health insurance for military pets by adding free veterinary care in VA hospitals around the country. "Whatever it takes to support the troops," he said.

What do you people make of all this??? Has the campaign finally gone too far???

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!